Topic of discussion: I can do whatever I want!

I am entitled to live my life. I keep talking about changing, and I do keep changing. I already lost about 70 pounds and I feel great. I have a few more tricks up my sleeve and trust me I will be there soon enough. I had something TRAGIC happen to me.. IT reminded me that NO one gives a fuck about me except my child. I am not saying that people don't or won't care about me.. It just really reminded me that I have one life, and if I keep making it sorry I will never get to where I want to be. I have all the power here. I have a very important relocation on the horizon. I have given people 2 or three places where I may end up, so I can see where the damn mole is.

Anyway.. my point is I am entitled to change my mind. I don't have to tell anyone, I don't have to give them a heads up. I can just change my fucking mind. And what ever I say I can do.. I CAN!! If I want to be in a relationship this week and in 3 weeks decide I don't want to be.. surprise I will. I am divorced and I can't say that I ever want to be married again. I LOVE the infatuation stage of a relationship, when everything can still go right. After that, I just don't see potential in the dudes I see. It has nothing to do with their character; I just don't want to be bothered with anyone elses bullshit. I got enough of my own to deal with.. I want to act a little out a little, ok a lot. I want to sing loud and dance everywhere instead of walking. I am probably gonna stop blogging here. I will set up my new blog full of adventures and I will let you know when its up and functional. The new blog will have a lot more of my random fun times, maybe a lot less of these long drawn out self epiphanies..... yes I still have them frequently and I try to make them relate-able.. but some of ya'll don't know me enough to even begin to understand why I am the way I am.

Anyhow.. Peace and much love to ya!

Perpetual Forward Motion

I haven't written in a while. I sometimes feel like I don't have a word to say to anyone.  I have been spending this time, working on every aspect of me. I was always searching for a good job; I realized at a very young age I was very special and had the potential to do what ever I wanted. But the funny thing is the primary person who was supposed to be helping me conquer my proverbial world, was belittling me; making me feel as though what ever abuse I got I deserved.  When my I explain to my friends that I am the black sheep they are times shocked, because I have no reason to be a black sheep.  I have done many wrongs and I make no excuses for what I did. I earned my stripes and I wear them well.  But I have spent a lifetime wandering without a purpose, trying to please anyone who would give me the high five that I wanted. So I have been taking this time to work on me.. Give me all the high fives I need. I am 100% single and I could not be more happy with me.. I love the changes I am making in my life.. I have a ton more to tell you.. but I want to update you on each subject individually. for now I am down 35+ pounds and I am happy about it..

Love.... why do you treat me so?

Have you ever met someone so in sync with you that you had no idea how you just met, why your lives have never seriously crossed paths before today? NO? Yeah me niether.... until most recently. I met someone at a laundry mat, we were both doing our own thing; I was in no way shape or form looking for love that day. As a matter of fact my pain and I were doing quite well, we were happy with one another and moving along throuh life just fine.  Let me say this about myself, and yes I know a lot about me and knowing is half the battle. when I meet someone who I think has some potential, I try to make them mesh well into my life, into my vision for life and incorporate what they want into the vision. I have dated many over the years and none have worked out.I know that some were of my own personal sabatoge and others should have never began in the first place. I met someone at a laundry mat, oh I said that already? SO I met someone and we only talked for about thirty minutes, but I knew he was someone who I wanted to know more about. He said as we parted, let me know when you are ready to be a wife and settle down, or something along those lines, I'm editing cause I know you don't need every little detail, or do you? The next night I had a very real dream about him, and I believe that dreams are wants and desires of the heart and at times visions of things to come. This was not a sex dream, I don't have time for thinking about sexing a man... But it left me thinking I hope that our paths cross in life again. I believe in destiny and I know that everthing happens for a reason, always, there are no mistakes. About 2 weeks later guess who I see again? I was very hapy to see him, but i had to play it cool, who wants to be a crazy person, we only met once, but finally just as we were about to part ways again, he said yeah maybe we could get the kids together to play, if thats the way he wanted to play this card, I was in!! Well we spoke and texted every day since. He literally says things that I was thinking about all the time, and I think ro myself did I mention this or did he really just say what I was thinking? I have never met anyone, let alone a man, who was so in sync with me, things are going very well, not to say that we haven't had our issues, but we are taking it slow, as quickly as possible, if that makes any sense... Well I love, love so let's see where this goes!

Time in and Time out

So I haven't written in a while, I have been so caught up in me I can hardly find the time to tell all my business to ya'll; you 4 faithful readers, ya'll are faithful right??  Well I am working at a job that I really like, I mean it is work, but at least I am working with a nice set of people. Which makes all the difference, working with adults is way better than working with children who just play too much. My daughter is 2, and all mouth; any surprise I think not!! She is my joy IDK what i'd be doing without her. My living situation is HORRIBLE, but we only have 8 month left; I may leave at the beginning of the year because there are far too many issues, like someone else's child getting raped in our home, I know, who leaves there out of control teenager @ home alone, all the time?? My dumb ass roomate, well she may not be a dumb ass, but she is definitely lazy.  Moving on, my move is quickly approaching, and I am trying to focus on that to keep from crying. I met a man who reminds me so much of me its crazy.. I want to love him.

My thighs are burning!!

SO I have been really trying to change my life into something that I want it to look like; I know who I am and I know what I am capable of and clearly I am not doing what I need to or what I want to do.  I have been trying to focus and get back to where I need to be; life is a blackbearded pirate.  I gained 30 pounds since I lost my job in December and I thought to myself, Ashley what are you doing.  I have never in my adult life been under 220; man really Ashley, what is the problem?? I have been trying to get my life in order, finally went to child support court, made me happy, I don't know the exact amount yet, the Ohio court system has been trying my nerves since I filed in 2009.  I am glad that its done; it doesn't matter the amount but something is better than nothing.  I am waiting on the Sheriff to complete the posting so I can finish that as well. I am working on me, I mean really working on me, I have been walking a few days, doing lunges and what not; I went to the gym today, I worked on some machines, I did that spin cycle thing, and damn it was not easy. But I am glad that I really took the initiative to go. I can see some mental change in myself, I can see me finishing things and putting my life in order.  I mean I can really see things coming together.  But more importantly I can feel the change in me, and man o man do my thighs burn!!

As always peace and much love to you!!
 I am also on twitter @missblisstastic

Count Down

So I don't frequently mention my count down unless you are very close to me. I have 18 months until I leave this place that I live in.  I feel like slave in my own home.  It is so bad some days; some days it is not so bad.  So I keep telling myself I have 18 months to get it completely together.  I have several major issues and the most of them stem from my problem with self control.  I feel as though because I work hard I should be able to do anything that I want.  The problem is that recently outside of slaving behind these children (keep in mind only one of them is mine) I am not working.  I am in school full time but I am used to working.  But since I was pregnant I had Ashtyn I haven't really worked that hard; I am very focused on school because I need to finish to show my daughter that nothing can stop you from what ever you want to do.  My other major issue is my problem with follow through; I can start anything with much gusto; but when it comes time to finish or follow up I have a hard time doing so. So I have been thinking about this issues that I have with me; and I keep knowing that I am better than this, but why oh why can't I get that through my own head.  I keep telling myself I have got to do better; but I never get exactly where I need to be; because I can't follow through.  I am 25; I am not 20 and I am not 30; I know that if I keep down the same path that I am on I will end up in destruction.  I have been getting much better; even though I feel like a slave; I would much rather things get done around the house; and oh what a huge house it is than to live in filth. So for the next 18 months I will be slaving; in everything I do; to see the results.  I have a surgery on the 11th of February; and after I have recovered I will be getting a gym membership so that I can start working out.  I have been doing school work on time; studying during the day when I don't have the kids loving my daughter and the additional kids when I they are home.  I will be working on me for the next 19 months; finish school; buy some stuff for my house in WV; find a job out there, so that when I move I will be able to love my life in my own home with my child who I adore. I am confident in myself; i just have to stay on top of what i got going.  I guess the hardest thing is worrying about everything that I have going on and a little less of what everyone else has going on.  If I can keep my mind focused on my issues I should be able to finish everything I have going on; less of everybody else and more of me.  Do you know how hard this is gonna be for me?? Very because i feel like my whole life I have been brought up with the notion of as long as I am able I should be helping others. And this is a serious rule that my family lives by this rule to the soul; and if you are close to me than you know I mean it; but I guess I never thought about it like I can't help anyone if I am living under a bridge.. now that is food for thought.  I want something that is equal; and by that I mean in a relationship.  I know I don't need a man right now and I pray to god that I don't find the man that is for me right now because I am a flipping mess and I would be no good to any other person (outside of my child and these kids that are here) .... I need some serious me time to get back to me.... Get back to some place I have never been..... So I have 18 months; ask me how I'm doing in 6 months, 1 year and then 18 months I am sure I will have some updates for ya'll!! Pray for me and I'll do the same for you!!

As always Peace and much love to ya! 

Podcast show!!

SO I recently joined the cast of a podcast show. I realized that I am hella funny!! AS if there was ever any doubt. check it out @ www.demboyzmusic.com under podcasts....... Start with Episode 17 thats my first episode.................. In other news  I am trying to enjoy this life that I have while I have it.  I have made a serious game plan. I know where I am headed and that makes me very happy. I daily track my goals against themselves.  I am glad to be finishing up some of these court cases; Thank God for showing me your mercy and grace... I could've been no where but thank God I am somewhere! I have been contemplating joining a gym because I do want to make very drastic changes in my life. I have mentally made my mind up so now its just to whip my physical into shape; luckily I keep my body in check.  I am happy to say that the little one I love the most has been speaking more; I know its all down hill from here; I truly cherish these moments because I know that they will be short lived.  I am still loving my single life!! I am not actively dating, if someone asks me depending on the day I may or may not accept it.  I am sticking to my no sex in 2011!! Not that I have dated anyone who I thought might even be a good enough match for me.... I'm still laid off and i'll probably go back to work in Feb or March; I need to get my money together for this BIG move!!! I am ecstatic about the way things have the potential to go. I am trying to stay on track with everything I got going.  No one said it was going to be easy..... hell we don't even have a promise on how long its going to be... On another note I will be working on some things t make my blog more exciting; cause I know my life is boring as hell right now!!


As always peace and much love to ya