Crazy Lady

So lately {I} have made me seem like a crazy person!!! I know what you are thinking, how the heck can you make you seem crazy if you re not crazy Bliss??? But seriously I have been taking other people's words into consideration opposed to their actions; how dumb of me..... I was listening to all that good stuff they were talking and not paying any attention to the fact that their actions were direct proof that they were only saying what my ears want to hear.... So I was waiting for an action that I already knew wasn't coming...... See how crazy I seem? Trust me I am very sane, I only play crazy on television....... So I have been paying close attention to what people are doing instead of what they are saying... Jay Z ( my big homie from up North) said believe half of what you see and none of what you hear.  Which is why I take nothing that most of these gutter butt trollups try to tell me about what is going on; and mainly take into consideration what their ACTIONS are showing me...... Pressing right on I know the new year is coming and a lot of my friends will be "CHANGING" their lives; I doubt it, if you are waiting for the new year to make a change, you may as well wait until NEVER... make the change you want today hunny!!! I will probably be the same person I have been for the last 25 years. I know that their are certain changes that come with growing older and wiser, but no there is no way I am miraculously going to be an exercising, calorie counting maniac!!! If I change it will probably be so gradual most people won't notice until I have already deleted them out of my life....[ I digress] I refuse to let someone's words, actions etc..... make me act like a crazy person and yes I am talking about facebook stalking, drunk dialing, things we allow ourselves to do all in the pursuit of love..... I am so over it.... As always Peace and Much love to ya!! 

Peace...... Real Peace

I was visiting this church and I felt something, something real something I haven't felt in a very long time.... it was peace.... more like PEACE. I am a naturally high strung person, I play cool always but I usually am more stressed than I care to share, and I think that is because it is clearly my struggle; no one has time for what I have going on.  Well I felt that peace when the choir was singing so I knew that I needed to come back.  I felt a little lost when the pastor began preaching and using analogies that made me a bit uncomfortable, but alas he was a visiting pastor, and I had heard the real pastor preach several times so I knew it would be something that I could follow better.  So I came back and all I can say is that every Sunday I am in the place I feel as though the Spirit is speaking directly to me.  I sit by a friend, but I am going to have to stop because some people, even though I love them make it hard for me to concentrate.  I don't talk during church, I leave my phone in the car. I just do not need any extra distractions.... As I previously stated I have too much on my mind already... But I am really feeling good about my life today; even though it totally sucks.  I made the decision to take a year (at least) of celibacy, I am not saying I don't have problems but I know that forming these attachments to people who don't have the same attachments to me it not good. For me sex is so much more than the meaningless act many have made it to be..... I am not knocking you if you get it in; but I know that for me that is just now where it is..... I am generally the one who ends up with my heart hurting behind someone who could care less...... I will remain detached this year, I need time to focus on what is important to me...... I have stated previously that all this time I have been my own problem and I meant it. I have been holding me back, dealing with men who are clearly not equally yoked.  Dealing with people who are clearly not cut from the same cloth as I am..... Light should have no dealings with darkness.  I know that I have noy been growing in the right directions; but I am here making changes.  It all came from that peace. I am not sweating the small things or the big things,  I can't change a lot of that stuff so why worry with it.  I am only concerned with loving my child and loving myself..... Furthermore a lot of people don't care whether I fail or not..... I don't know if you get where i'm coming from or not; but it really wasn't meant for all that now was it..... I love you and thanks for reading..... as always Peace and Much LOVE to ya!!

My problem...

Do you know what my problem is?? I have a major completion problem, I have a hard time completing anything.....Which is why I have no degree, my divorce is not finalized and may be a major factor as to why I am not as financially sound as I would like to be.  I have had this feeling that I was not taught how to do things, that I have been learning by trial and error. So here I am thinking I can no longer blame this on my parents.  I have some issues and every time I think I resolve on another one comes bigger and badder and then I am left feeling like the issue I had solved previously means nothing.  I am trying my hardest to complete something, I have been addressing problems as they come instead of waiting for them to become something so monstrous I don't even know where to begin. I can no longer blame this on my parents, I can no longer say well I didn't know better; but since I know better I must do better. While I am still in love with one man there is no way I can keep things up with him and I have yet to complete my other business, I closed my facebook account it was taking more from me than I thought was necessary.  I have too many things I am falling back on to have time to be on there. I am still looking for work, which is about as depressing as can be, I want more money than any one has to give in this economy.  I am still working on my school stuff, thank God this semester is over, I am ready for next semester to begin, I am much closer to being done than I have ever been.  I will no longer be able to take a semester off; nonstop until this is done and then LSAT; then law school.  I am prepared for what this life has to offer me, I have never been afraid of failing or falling, what I am most afraid of is that I will succeed far beyond whatever I thought possible.  I am afraid that I may be wonderful.  I play wonderful well; but I do not however feel it often.  While talking to the man that I am in love with he asked me why him; I could have any man I wanted; while I am sure he wanted an ego boost; and I gave it to him (that's what women do for the man they love); I was thinking I probably can't have any man I want because what I see is very different from what other people see, while they see the good all I can see is the bad.  So my problem has been me this entire life.  I have been my own problem.  I am not too fat, I am not too smart or too dumb, I am me, created perfectly by my Creator. I am no longer my problem. I am now my solution. I love me and that for now is enough.  I will be taking a step back and finishing some old things before I move on to some new things!!  Thanks for reading.... Comment away if you want, and if you don't.. don't.......

Peace and Much Love to You!

And what heffa???

I have been on the journey to me since the day before I was born. I am always trying to find out more about me, because the more I know about me the more I can tell about another person as I meet then.  The number one thing I learned was always always go with my gut.  If I have a bad feeling about someone I trust it, if someone makes me feel uncomfortable; then I try to get away and I keep my guards up.  God made me divinely so I know that its important to trust me. But as I have been getting to know me, and I am one interesting person, I wonder how many others are hiding from the truths about themselves.  I know that I genuinely care about people  and I mean I have certain love and soft spot for people that I care about who they are and what makes them , well them. I love me some me and no one can love me more than me!!! I mean that is how I know real love because I know I would never do me wrong (well only if it would make me more happy in the end). I am always looking me in the mirror, the Bible says something along the lines its a fool who looks in the mirror and forgets what he sees as soon as he has left the mirror. I am not sure the exact verse but trust me it is relevant. I wonder who people see when they look at themselves; do you see you; or do you see someone else, do you even care about who you are and why you are doing it?? All I know is that when I look at myself I know who is looking back at me; then I say and what heffa???  As I am thinking about my life I think about a man that I love; this is relevant because its my blog... stop reading if you don't want to hear about him!!.... so anyway his name is SRWIII; yeah full name like that.... Anywho I do love him and I use my actions to show it; and I'm not talking about sexual acts, okay some sexual acts... but I am a naturally loving person..... BUT he just left his chic, we've been friends for a very long time, I'm talking 7 years ( yeah 7 like the number of completion), but I am ready to be in a serious relationship, I think. I have the feeling like I should run away now; but this man encourages me to do better, encourages me to stay and fight my battles instead of running; which is what I would prefer to do.  I love this man for real, I want to have his children, I want to be with this man long term, which is me saying a lot; because as you will learn I can't wait to drop kick a man; it usually only lasts 3 months and then I keep it pushing because I like that new feeling..... it gets me high, which is why I LOVE moving!! But guys I am really trying to stay where I am and handle my business. I am truly trying and THANKFUL for this man!Enough with the random ramblings!

Peace and much love to ya!

These are the days of my life....

The Saturday after Thanksgiving my paternal grandfather died; Its not that we were close its that he is my flesh and blood and he is no loner here. There are things that I will never get back from him. I remember he took me fishing, I loved it, he got mad when I had to pee, because I was such a little diva even at 8 that I couldn't go in the woods, we had to dock the boat and find a potty for me and then go back, needless to say he was upset; but not upset enough to never take me again.  I love my family they love me.... The next few days at work I felt sad and depressed, I was feeling pretty low because my grandfather was dead and my father was hurting. The next few days passed in some kind of whirlwind; and then I was laid off. I was the first and I was the first and my feelings were hurt because I loved that flippin job!!! I mean I liked that there wasn't very many people there and I learned several capacities while there. But alas I was laid off and denied unemployment a few days later. I feel almost sad; but I joined the church last Sunday and that was very exciting for me. The Pastor preached on having hope coming out of a very hopeless situation. At this time I could feel as though I am in a very desperate situation, I could feel like I am hopeless; but I know that there is something better out there for me in.  A position that will be more closely related to field. Actually as I was sitting in the pew listening to the sermon, I was sitting next to a friend (who I happen to be in love with but that my friends is for a different blog); and he nudged me because there is a dream that I felt would be out of reach because of where I was.  I felt like I wasn't going to be able to complete my dream because I am a single parent and instead of chasing my dreams, I should settle down and try to make sure my child can attain all of her dreams. I am not sure why my life has to be so difficult to me; but I only work well under complete disarray. What I'm going to do is spend this month to finalize all the things that I need to get done. And move forward in a more structured life; I have to be that "Superwoman"; I am made divinely, and I intend to put my best foot forward for me and my daughter who is looking up to me every step of the way.  This life is not for the faint of heart; it is for the strong in battle.  I love that my life is basically @ Rock Bottom but I am not sad; I am me, working my way from the bottom up; what I don't want to do is to keep this vicious cycle up.  Life is hard enough without ending up in the bottom loop. Love me for who I am or leave me.
Peace and Much Love to ya!!

Busy Busy Busy

Man I am so tired.... Ohh my goodness; I think I might just be getting old! I remember how I used to stay out all night; get up early the next day and still not be tired; but I only stayed out until 2 and I was exhausted. I did it 2 nights in a row but I was still EXHAUSTED. I can tell I'm getting old to cause I keep referring to when I was younger. Bleh.... moving right along; I was recently was reading a blog about how if Ashley Stewart didn't make cute big girl clothes there would be no big girls.  I think they have a point there. Being a bigger girl; if there wasn't cute clothes for me I'd probably loose some weight.  Well outside of that I gave up meat; I feel better now; I mean like much much better. I have been really trying to get my ass up and run at 5 am but I am very tired frequently ( another sign of old age -_-) Anywho.... I'm going to make a conscientious effort to get up and run the track by my house; I always feel better when its done. Also 4 court cases all during the same amount of time is getting old. I'm going to have to get this divorce completed; child support and custody completed; damn seat belt from a hating cop settled and my excess case.... BLEH!! I just realized I'm almost down to 20 months; for what you may ask... a BIG move and also I need to be down to my ideal size @ that point.... So I mean I basically changing my life around. I just wish I had a good man to share it with some times. Not that I need a man, but good sex + companionship could really be an incentive to dealing with a man...... IDK guys ya'll know I love 'em, leave 'em but I don't fucking need 'em.... Keep ya head up people's.... I'm kinda sad today 14 years ago my boo went missing.. Tupac Amaru Shakur; I won't dwell on it, just know that I miss him.... and I love him...
~Peace and much love to ya! 
Bliss

As we proceed......

I'm here. Sometimes I feel like people; you know what I'm about to talk only about me and if it relates to you, then you are welcome to comment or feel me if you feel me. So I've been contemplating buying a new car. And I have decided against it. It is nice to want new and very nice things in your life.  But damn I don't want my money gone like that. I want to move; I want to vacation, I want to do things; but hmm my car is already paid off; It really needs less work than what a down payment cost. I am thinking this people; I am fine with the car that I have its old; it needs some work but its much smarter financially to get it just fixed. I want a new car; but I want to spend and save more than I want that new car. No one taught me how to save, hell no one taught me anything about finances; this has been a real learning experience. I don't feel bad about making a better decision. I'm going to take my car to get fixed tomorrow; I have the money so there is no reason why I shouldn't get it done. I am in serious need of  doing things better. Like seriously. If I have a new car I'll only be showing off money I could be saving so I can buy something off the lot paid in full; minus the finance charges. My credit score is about to soar.  I don't want to put myself in a financial bind anymore; I don't want to struggle no more. I know for me there is always a race to zero; even when I'm just trying to pay my bills on time; I just feel the need to get it all paid so I can back at zero, where I feel comfortable. I opened a savings account and I actually have money that has gone untouched in it. I have enough money to actually go do something.  I just see the serious error in financing anything, not now that I have a kid and I need to think of her future and my future; hell there are always times when some one needs some money; that someone is usually me; but I'd love to be able to give it if it wasn't me. Let me say this I can afford a car note; but I can afford to fix the car I have and keep saving like I have a car note and when the time is right just buy something!! Well I have been really been changing my life day by day. I don't want to do anything that will offset that. Moving forward is hard but in the end it pays much more. Trust me; I have been paying attention to the rich man; he has taught me well. And I thank him for teaching me..... Nice things are nice; but enjoying the love and the people around you is a greater blessing. Thank you God for sending this insightful blessing to me.

~Peace and much love to you....
Bliss

Taking it one day at a time.

I get tired of worrying about what others think of me.  I feel like this is the best place to start for me.  I feel like I have been drowning my entire life. I have been trying to please people my entire life and it has only brought me down; trying to give everyone everything I thought that they could need; as long as it was within my realm I would have done it. I thought that by making other people happy I was making myself happy. I was only tearing myself down further; killing myself more and more everyday. I am at the point of change in my life; I know that change is the only constant thing in life; so all I can say is that recently I have seen the error in my ways and I know that I have been the only problem in my life. I don't want to blame things on others because they can only do to us what we allow them to do.  And I had allowed them to do anything to me; allowed myself to be taken advantage of; allowed others to determine what would go on in my life. But recently I have taken control over my life. I have a daughter she's 17 months old and how would I feel if she allowed herself to be taken advantage of; if she lived her life the way I do. I would be upset because I know that I raised her better than that! I can't say if I was raised better; I feel sometimes I was exposed to far too much as a child. My mother was young when she had me so I guess sometimes people  need more time to grow and mature. I am glad that I waited some time to have her; I'm 25 and I'm now in control of what happens to me. I love the new life that I am living. I don't take no for an answer unless I want to.......
Peace and much love to ya!